Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different// C.S. Lewis
Change comes in two different ways. One, it sneaks upon us so slowly we don’t notice. It’s a slow process, but when we look back we realize quickly what it has done. Two, there it is drastic change that comes upon us so quickly we don’t know what to do with it. In both circumstances, change is a terrible thing for me. Also in both cases, our circumstances changing mean we also change. It’s good most of the time, but I despise it. I wish I could bottle up summer days and live in them forever and no one grow up and nothing change.
It’s January, with 2013 ahead of me and things starting to fall in place. I know this year means a lot of change. I know all this drastic change will change the person I am. When 2014 comes around, things will be different. This change is a new change, a third kind. It’s not the kind I don’t notice, and it’s not the kind that drastically changes. It’s change I can see on the horizon. I could prepare my heart for it, but it’s going to be different from I even think. It’s change, it’s scary, it’s confusing.
2012 changed me a lot, and I know 2013 will too. I want to hold on to the past, and on to my beautiful memories. But there are far better things ahead than we ever left behind. One day, I’ll be glad it changed.
Still, January is a month of nostalgia for the past and farsickness for the future.
Nostalgia is a funny thing. It comes at times when we least except it. Often it comes with seeing frost lightly sprinkled on grass, or with the taste of tea after it’s been a while. Sometimes it’s the smell of a book, or the sound of a song. Nostalgia isn’t just memories. It’s longing for the memories and the feelings the accompanied them. I miss a time far away. A time where school was drawing pictures, and we’d built forts that we’d play and sleep in for weeks. A time when there was not exams or a future to worry about. I miss the way I used to feel. It’s winter again. And so much has happened since the last one. I read through old journal entries and can barely believe I wrote that. I felt that way about something at one point. I listen to old songs that used to mean so much, but seem so empty now. Or songs that were empty but now they make so much sense. This past year, I’ve changed so much from the girl I was. I miss who I used to be sometimes. I experience things that a year ago would have made my world spin around. But now…now they are nothing but little things. I miss when they would have meant the world. Little things happen that would have freaked me out a year ago, but now they are not a big deal. And I miss when they would be a big deal.
Maybe it’s the fact time passes way too quickly, but it’s weird to think about something after it’s been a while and it seems empty. Didn’t this once mean the world to me? It doesn’t hurt to think about anymore. Time changes us. Yet it’s not like we wake one morning and we are different. Time changes slowly. So slowly we can’t see it.
But through change I have learned one big lesson:
Your way, Lord, not mine, is perfect.
My nostalgic form of thinking, my dreams, my desire, my hopes…they are nothing to the future He is preparing for me.
None of this probably made any sense at all, I realize. But I needed to ramble about change and how it scares me. But also, God is faithful and the pain of this present time is nothing to the glory he shall reveal to us.
To Him be the glory.